Saturday, May 5, 2012


It was during the year of July 2010 when my life changed forever. My husband and I found out that we were expecting a baby girl. We were so happy that we could not contain ourselves even if we wanted to. Throughout the pregnancy I never did feel pregnant besides knowing my baby girl was inside of me. I never got to feel her kicks or flutters during this time of pregnancy and never fully understood why I did not have those feelings. To confirm my pregnancy I went to the VA (Veterans Hospital) in Baltimore MD as I always did, and had a pap smear done. Afterwards the nurse told me there were some cells that prevented an accurate pap. She told me to have a follow-up done with my gynocologist. At my next appointment with my gynocologist I took the paperwork I had been given and explained what I had been told. I stated the nurse said I should have a follow-up pap smear done. I had my exam and left to never hear anything else about my pap or anything, so I figured everything was just fine. On July 6, 2010 at 4 a.m. I awoke to feeling wet as if I had urinated on myself. I then realized it was not urine at all and that something was terribly wrong. I stood up out of bed to realize then that fluid was coming out of me. A bell went off in my head immediately and I knew it was my amniotic fluid.

I went to the bathroom quickly to sit on the toilet as the fluid continued to pour out of me like a faucet. I then decided to put on a sanitary pad and make my way to the ER as soon as possible. My husband got up and got our daughter dressed. I was crying uncontrollably because I knew the outcome was not going to be a good one. By the time we reached the ER all of my fluid had left my body. I was checked into the hospital and led into my room. This is when a doctor came in and told me she would do an exam to check to see if it was actually my fluid. It was and I was devastated. I could not believe this was actually happening to us. The doctor then went to get the ultrasound machine to conduct an ultrasound. As she turned the monitor on she stated the baby was still
very much alive and moving minus the fluid around her. She went on to say, you have a few options which are to deliver her today and she pass away or wait 2 weeks and risk infection and we both die. My husband and I were crying and crying and said we would deliver that same day at only 20 weeks. I got dressed and we went home to inform family members of what was going on. I packed my daughters bag so she could go to her grandma's house as the tears streamed down my face. I felt so alone...As if my whole world came crashing down around me. Once my in-laws got to the house we spoke for a minute and went back to the hospital. I was admitted and changed into a hospital gown once I was ready. The doctor gave me two pills to start contractions and told me to push. My daughter was born at 2:45 p.m. on July 6th 2010. She was so small as big as my hands as the doctor swept her away.

The doctor and nurse monitored her heartbeat for an hour and told us she was still alive throughout that hour. The doctor brought her over to us and we held her, kissed her, and told her we loved her. She was warm to the touch at this time and so full of life. At 3:45 p.m. she was pronounced dead. I could not contain myself from balling...I just could not let her go either so I asked the nurse to bring her back so I could hold her. She was cold and lifeless at this time...this was the same child I had held minutes before who was no longer with us. My husband held her again and kissed her...We were in disbelief and it all seemed like a dream. The nurse then took her away again to take pictures of her for the memory box they were creating for us. As the night went on we continued to hold her and each other. The reality was setting in that our child would not be going home with us. That night I did not sleep nor could I sleep because I stayed awake thinking about my baby girl and what had happened. The next day I was being released and as we were preparing to leave I began to cry. We went to the lobby and I sat down while my husband went to get our car. I looked up with tears in my eyes to see this lady pushing a stroller in the hospital and thought that would never be me. As we drove away from the hospital the tears became uncontrollable for me. I knew she was there in the hospital and I would never see her again in this life.

As hours turned to days and days turned to weeks I found myself going into a depression. I began to feel cold and lost like what was my purpose here on earth. Friends called and I did talk about it because I needed to vent. I cried as they listened and cried and cried. I do not think I ever cried so much in my life as I did on that day. As time went on I began to pray and cry out to Jesus to please help me with the hurt and pain. I asked the Lord to provide me with comfort in the situation. I cried and prayed for days..weeks and months. I also wrote down my feelings in a journal and it helped me to face the reality of the situation. I can say that had it not been for Jesus I do not know where I would be. I was losing sight of myself and reality because I could not function. I had to realize I had a child who was still here that needed me as well as my husband. In the process of grieving I was so consumed with how I was feeling I was not there for my husband. One day he said to me I watched you and Gia (our 3 year old) sleep and decided to come sit in the living room. At this time he told me he finally cried and dealt with his emotions. He had been so consumed with my emotions and taking care of me that he never got the chance to grieve.

It's been almost 2 years since the loss of Shadai Leiya Guinn. There is not a day that goes by where I do not think of her or miss her. God is so amazing in how he will use situations/people to help us get closer to him. In this situation He used my daughter to help me see how much I needed a closer relationship with Him. I am so thankful to God for that because this experience changed my life for the better. Not only do I have a strong relationship with Jesus but I also have an ANGEL watching over me and my family 4-ever.